Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!
Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.
My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
I made a pun about the wind but it blows.
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Storyteller Travel
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Can February March? No, but April May.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
*Parade
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
From the Grapevine
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Can February March? No, but April May.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
*Parade
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
How Stuff Works
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
I’m not a doctor but I’m losing my patience.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
AskIdeas.com
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
JustCuteAnimals.com
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.And this story takes more than 2 lines:
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something
with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”
* thanks to the forward from my friend, Marsha Koenig
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
unknown
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says , ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root – canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
unknown
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says , ‘Dam!’
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Andrea Piacquadio
More Wonderful Puns from the forward Marsha sent to me –
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist – camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Andrea Piacquadio
My friend, Marsha, sent me puns this morning. I’m still grinning –
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye – doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey – maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber – band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
I am still walking around limping today from catching my toe on the corner of our bed in the middle of the night two nights ago – still feeling stupid. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes, but I KNOW where the bed is. It has been in the same place for over 30 years now. I KNOW it’s made of solid wood. My husband and I built the base for the bed years ago. I KNOW that confronting furniture with body parts is not a good thing to do. And yet here I am.
I’m still wearing slippers because I can’t wear a shoe. I’m limping around like a person twice my age – and that’s saying a LOT when you consider my “maturity.”
It would be NICE if I could simply pay better attention – even though it was the middle of the night and I was practically sleep-walking – rather than learning yet another lesson in such a painful way.
I’m glad that if I hurt myself, at least I didn’t do anything that required a trip to the emergency room. If I actually broke my toe, they would simply tape my little toe to the next one and call it done. I’m keeping it elevated as much as possible and am taking it easy otherwise.
I promise I will do something ELSE stupid next time…
Filed under Challenges, Funny Signs - Humor, taking care of yourself
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