JustCuteAnimals.com
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.And this story takes more than 2 lines:
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something
with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”
* thanks to the forward from my friend, Marsha Koenig
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
unknown
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says , ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root – canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
unknown
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says , ‘Dam!’
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Andrea Piacquadio
More Wonderful Puns from the forward Marsha sent to me –
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist – camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Andrea Piacquadio
My friend, Marsha, sent me puns this morning. I’m still grinning –
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye – doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey – maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber – band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
I am still walking around limping today from catching my toe on the corner of our bed in the middle of the night two nights ago – still feeling stupid. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes, but I KNOW where the bed is. It has been in the same place for over 30 years now. I KNOW it’s made of solid wood. My husband and I built the base for the bed years ago. I KNOW that confronting furniture with body parts is not a good thing to do. And yet here I am.
I’m still wearing slippers because I can’t wear a shoe. I’m limping around like a person twice my age – and that’s saying a LOT when you consider my “maturity.”
It would be NICE if I could simply pay better attention – even though it was the middle of the night and I was practically sleep-walking – rather than learning yet another lesson in such a painful way.
I’m glad that if I hurt myself, at least I didn’t do anything that required a trip to the emergency room. If I actually broke my toe, they would simply tape my little toe to the next one and call it done. I’m keeping it elevated as much as possible and am taking it easy otherwise.
I promise I will do something ELSE stupid next time…
Filed under Challenges, Funny Signs - Humor, taking care of yourself
BBC
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
*Thanks to Bored Panda
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
My good friend Marsha Koenig sent me an email that made me laugh so many times I lost count. What a treasure these days! I had to share it with you –
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 102.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
— Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10
6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9
8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is…….
9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
Yesterday, before the weather changed, I cut two roses to bring inside. I can FEEL my spirits lifting when I look at these!
I drowned yesterday morning covering up the plants in my square foot garden boxes plus my two planters of new tomato plants because bad weather and plummeting temperatures were forecast. The plants were covered all day and all night. We had at least two rounds of severe storms, some with hail, followed by a freeze.
This morning they were still alive! They are looking a bit ‘tired,’ but I think they are okay. I was planning to go out and weed in the garden, but the temperature never got above 40 here, with enough wind to make it uncomfortable outside. Hopefully, I can get rid of weeds tomorrow.
I hope that you are safe and well. I also hope that you – also – are finding things that give you hope for the future.
Lisa Bearnes Richey
I may have to actually start wearing one of these!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, Health Alert
creativeartworksblog 