Good Energy

Once again, Nanea Hoffman of Sweatpants and Coffee, LLC, has said something profound, something that speaks to me, that resonates way down inside me because I am in the middle of this, beginning to figure myself out.

For a combination of health reasons and realizing that we could no longer handle the lifestyle we were living in Arkansas, my husband and I and our grown son decided that we should officially fully retire, move to Thailand to be with our son, and start a new, non-stressful life here, focusing on rebuilding our health and starting life in a completely new country.

Two weeks after the move, my husband fell and suffered a stroke. He is now in a nursing home here. We have had to recognize that he will probably never get better. He is frail, bedridden, on a nasal feeding tube, and is hopelessly confused about who people are, what is real and more. We have made the conscious decision to concentrate on making each visit brighten his day, starting from wherever he is and trying to make him as comfortable as possible, communicate as best we can, and make sure he is getting the best of care.

I am living alone in the condo we were supposed to be sharing in the same building as our son. I’m trying to build a new life for myself while our son and I visit my husband twice a week. I’m trying to learn Thai phrases, learn about the history and the culture so that I can honor it, while interacting with the kind people here on a daily basis in my new home.

Our son is my rock. He is one of the best men I have ever known. He is concentrating on taking care of both of us while working full time, making all the changes in his life seem effortless. I cannot say enough about all he is doing, how much I depend on him, and what a joy it is to be interacting with him daily as adults, rather than mother and son. He is a joy to be with. He makes me laugh as no one else on the planet does, making my stomach hurt and causing me to beg him to stop so I can breathe! We are creating inside jokes, go everywhere together, text each other during the day as we carry on with our separate agendas, sharing meals, exercise, and our lives. It truly means the world to me.

In my beautiful, tiny, window-filled condo, I’m figuring myself out. I died twice on Feb. 11th a year ago, was brought back and given a pacemaker, along with a second chance at life in Arkansas, and my priorities are forever changed. I no longer plan for the future, living for the moment – truly IN the moment – savoring my feelings, my interest in learning new things, my joy in being able to finally fully retire, shaping my days around activities that bring me joy. I’m trying to cram every bit of joy into each day as possible, moving from one fun thing to another at my own speed.

I write a blog that has brought me joy and new friends for years. Continuing that is foremost in my new life here. I LOVE writing blog posts, striving to find things I hope my readers will enjoy. I love researching to find new things to share. A high point of my day is when people read my posts, hit ‘like’ or take the time to comment. Answering each comment is visiting with a friend.

I’m teaching myself to draw and then painting the sketches. I have a tiny art alcove where I can only have a few art things, so I’m concentrating on the sketches, trying to reproduce what I see. It’s a challenge, and yet pure enjoyment because I’m not under pressure to produce things for sale – I can just enjoy the challenge and then the joy of painting. No pressure, just pleasure.

I leave a jigsaw puzzle out that calls to me regularly. I can now have a puzzle table where I can leave it out, not bothering anyone. HOORAAAY! Right now I’m working on a gorgeous turtle who is hiding among the pieces, too shy to show himself.

I’m a voracious reader. I am always in the middle of another book on my Kindle. When we were in Arkansas, every room in our two story home was filled with actual books. Now I just have them on my Kindle, except for a few used books I find. I can carry my Kindle in my art backpack to the cafe where we go once a week. I sketch, read, and watch the amazing traffic go by the window as I enjoy an iced mocha…

There is more, but the point I am making is that the fact that I didn’t die a year ago, that I survived and moved with my husband to Thailand to start a new life. I am now trying to handle the fact that our retirement is totally different than what we planned, but I can now recognize there is plenty of room for joy in my life every day. These things show me I am worth the effort to figure it out. It is an ongoing process, subject to modifications as I grow and change, adapting to my new life in this fascinating place.

YOU are worth it, too. As Nanea so eloquently said, it’s ‘compassionate honesty’ and ‘kindness with boundaries.’ A time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. If you are happy, celebrate that every day. If you aren’t, start today to make changes that will shape your life into what you deserve.