Tag Archives: SIDS

March 13, 2026 · 1:46 am

Compassion

This is a reblog of an article by Shady –
@shady5 on Substack – “Payin It Forward” on Substack

nomadnebula282 – Freepik

“I was at the funeral of my six-month-old baby, standing at the tiny casket with empty arms and a shattered heart. My husband had left me two weeks earlier, unable to handle the grief, so I was completely alone. The funeral home was nearly empty – just me and a few distant relatives who left immediately after the service. I stood there frozen, unable to leave my baby, knowing once I walked away, it was really over. A woman I’d never seen before approached slowly. She didn’t say anything at first, just stood beside me. After a long silence, she whispered, ‘My son was three months old when he died. That was twelve years ago.’ I turned to look at her, and she continued, ‘I came because I saw the obituary and I remembered standing exactly where you are, feeling like I couldn’t survive another minute.’ She held my hand. ‘You will survive this. Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually. And on the days you can’t get out of bed, that’s surviving too.’ She stayed with me for two hours at that cemetery, this complete stranger, until I was finally ready to leave. She gave me her phone number. ‘Call me at 3 AM if you need to. I mean it. Someone did that for me, and it saved my life.’ For months, I called her in the middle of the night, sobbing, and she always answered. She never made me feel like a burden. She just understood a pain that has no words.”

—Sarah M., Kansas City, MO

_____________

We lost our daughter, Jade, when she was two month old, to SIDS. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) I can honestly say I know of no other pain like that of losing a child. It’s a wound so deep it never heals, particularly when you don’t know the cause, as in SIDS. She was ‘perfect,’ but she was gone.

We lived for each other, my husband and I, and amazingly, this made us stronger as a family. We helped each other survive and we concentrated on raising our son, who now is, ironically, taking care of us.

People who have lost children seem to recognize each other. I’m not sure what it is – an aura people carry with them, a seriousness in the eyes even when smiling, a fierce determination to keep going for the others in your family. You meet, you recognize, and whether anything is said or not, you share.

I’m so glad the woman in the story had the compassionate stranger to help her when she needed it most. I’m sorry that her bond with her husband couldn’t stand the strain and snapped. Each of us is different, reacting in our own way, finding a way to survive, and amazingly, even thrive.

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February 6, 2026 · 12:24 am

Jade

I spent much of yesterday in quiet contemplation of what kind of person our dear Jade might have become.

I didn’t do child bearing well. My husband and I married in 1969. We waited for a couple of years to try to have children until both of us had steady jobs and we had purchased a home. I lost two babies before we finally had our son Brian in 1978. (RH negative negative for me and positive for our babies was the main problem). We lost another baby after Brian and finally had our beautiful daughter, Jade. Our family was complete. My husband decided to have a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have to carry the burden of birth control – though that was a bit ironic with our history.

I came home from a community college night class to see all the lights on in my home and my in-laws’ car in the driveway. When I entered the house my in-laws stood up and said, “She’s gone.” In a panic I ran all over the house, not only not finding Jade, but all of her things were gone. The Lewises had decided that while waiting for me, they would gather up her stuff so I wouldn’t have to. My husband was gone, too. He had been taken to the police station because Jade had died under his care.

While we sat in silence, our then 2-year-old son Brian came out dragging Jade’s blanket. He had been crying and his sweet eyes were swollen. He walked to the trash can and threw the blanket in, saying, “Broken.” My husband returned home. The coroner had determined she died of SIDS. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.) He simply crumpled when he came to me, buried his face in my lap and sobbed.

We both seriously contemplated suicide the pain was so great. Finally, we realized that we had others to think of. We talked and decided we would live for each other, help each other through this, and raise Brian with all the love we had. I learned that night that nothing could ever hurt me like that again.

I got to share two months with her. Each year I sit and think of her particularly on February 5th, the day she left us. Some people said it was God’s Will. I didn’t accept that then and still don’t. I just can’t. What I do believe is that we will meet again some day, recognize each other, and spend eternity together.

I hope that the experts will one day solve the mystery of what causes SIDS and what, if anything, can be done to prevent it, so that others won’t have to go through this. I’m thankful that it caused us to be stronger as a family, to cherish Brian even more, and actually be able to find joy in life again.

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February 5, 2024 · 10:06 am

February 1981

Jade 2-5-1980 - 2-5-1981

Our minister said, “Jade was born, lived a little while, and then died.”

The doctor said she was ‘perfect’ at her two month checkup. She got her shots, we brought her home. I went to a class in Tulsa that night, having gone stir-crazy trying to take care of Jade plus our 2-year-old son, Brian. My husband was baby sitting.

I came home to the house ablaze with lights. My in-laws’ car was in the driveway. Jade was gone. My husband was crying. My in-laws had gone through the house, gathering everything and putting it out of sight, trying to spare me. Our son came into the living room with Jade’s blanket. He went to the trash can, put the blanket in, and said, “Broken.”

She was ‘perfect,’ but she was gone. She died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). They could explain little about it. They STILL can’t explain it all these years later.

I learned several things –

  • Your life is never the same
  • Nothing hurts as badly as losing your child
  • The importance of all else pales in comparison
  • There is something way down inside each of us that allows/compels us to survive – even with a hole the size of a cannon ball right through the middle of you. With us, after we each seriously considered suicide, it was each other and our son.
  • I still have to admit that I resent the idea people told me that ‘it was God’s will.’ I’m sorry, but I can’t handle it, even all these years later, that someone that powerful would do something like that. It might be comforting to some, but not to me.
  • I look at the world differently. When I’m ready to toss my husband into a hole in the back yard because he has used up my last thread of patience, I realize how lucky we are to have had each other for what will be 55 years in June.
  • I value my friends, my loved ones, even more. I realize how short life can be and how important it is to let each of them know how important they are to you.
  • I still can’t hold a baby without crying – afraid for him or her. I still worry when I see a mother with a new baby, holding my breath and so glad there are monitors now.
  • I still can’t go to a funeral. I fell apart at Jade’s funeral all those years ago and still do the same thing now, bringing all the attention to me, instead of the person we’re remembering at the service, so I don’t go.
  • We treasure our son, being thankful to know and love him.
  • I can meet someone and instantly can FEEL if they have suffered loss or not.

Today is a sad day for us, but also one that is important because I am so thankful for all I have. I hope to meet her again some day.

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February 5, 2023 · 8:52 am

Sad Anniversary Today 2-5-2023

Jade Wheaton Lewis

A SHORT HISTORY: We married in 1969. Between then and 1977, we lost three babies to miscarriages. (Rh Factor) In 1978 we had our son. In ’79, we lost another baby to miscarriage. In ’80 we had our daughter and our family was complete. Two months later, on February 5,1981, we lost our daughter, Jade, to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

“Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the unexplained death, usually during sleep, of a seemingly healthy baby less than a year old. SIDS is sometimes known as crib death because the infants often die in their cribs.” The peak incidence of SIDS occurs between 1 – 4 months of age; 90% of cases occur before 6 months of age. Babies continue to be at risk for SIDS up to 12 months.”

She was “perfect,” and she was gone. Our minister said, “Jade was born, lived a little while, and then died.” I couldn’t listen to more.

The pain was so intense that we both seriously considered suicide, then decided we had to live for each other and for our son. I read everything I could find on SIDS, and discovered the experts knew very little about it – why it happens or what can be done to prevent it. The experts also told us we were lucky that our son was only 2 – that he wouldn’t understand or remember it. Soon after we lost her, he took Jade’s blanket across the room to the trash can, threw it in and said, “Broken.” So much for the experts.

Lasting effects –

  1. I still can’t hold a baby in my arms without crying, even after all this time.
  2. I worry for pregnant women or women with babies under 1 year
  3. I can’t go to a funeral without falling apart and bringing all the attention to me, so I try to show I care in different ways.

There ARE some positive effects, though –

  1. I have learned that there is a core way down deep inside that enabled me to not only survive but to enjoy life again.
  2. I have looked at life differently since then, cherishing the people in my life, and all the things that are beautiful and bring me pleasure.
  3. I am much more forgiving, even though I threaten my husband from time to time of having the backhoe guy on speed dial to dig a hole for him in the back yard.
  4. Our family grew closer and stronger.

A really frustrating thing is that the experts know little more now than they did 42 years ago about SIDS. There are now baby monitors that are very helpful to parents. The experts now suggest that babies sleep on their backs. I haven’t found anything more about the shots that babies get at two months. I will never forget, though, that our pediatrician came out to the house when he heard we had lost her, and cried with us.

I hope that one day I will see Jade again, finding that her spirit is healthy and happy; and that one day the mystery of SIDS is solved.

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February 6, 2022 · 10:22 am

Hard Facts

The experts know little more about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) than they did 41 years ago.

This is our Jade. She was born Dec. 5, 1980. She died of SIDS Feb. 10, 1981.

Our son was almost 2. The experts said he wouldn’t understand. Wouldn’t remember. He picked up Jade’s blanket, put it in the trash and said, “Broken.”

“Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is the sudden and unexplained death of a baby younger than 1 year old. Most SIDS deaths are associated with sleep, which is why it’s sometimes still called “crib death.”

“SIDS has no symptoms or warning signs. Babies who die of SIDS seem healthy before being put to bed. They show no signs of struggle and are often found in the same position as when they were placed in the bed.”

We were told to put Jade to sleep on her stomach, to keep her from having any problems should she spit up during the night. “While the cause of SIDS is unknown, many clinicians and researchers believe that SIDS is associated with problems in the ability of the baby to arouse from sleep, to detect low levels of oxygen, or a buildup of carbon dioxide in the blood. When babies sleep face down, they may re-breathe exhaled carbon dioxide.” This is the ONLY thing they seem to have learned in the 41 years since we lost her – now telling new parents to put babies to sleep on their backs.

We had taken her for her two-month shots on Feb. 5th. There is some discussion on the shots being a factor, though the autopsy showed she was “perfect.”

Other facts –

  • my husband and I both felt guilt. I was across town, taking a night class, being ‘stir-crazy’ from the responsibility for caring for a new baby plus an almost two-year-old, wanting a break desperately. My husband felt guilt because she cried and he let her cry for a bit before she slept.
  • we each seriously thought about suicide, each ultimately deciding our spouse and son needed us
  • our pediatrician came to our home and cried with us
  • I can’t stop the fear when I see a pregnant lady or person with a young baby. I can’t hold a baby without crying. I can’t go to funerals without falling apart, bringing attention to me, rather than the person we have lost.
  • the hole in our hearts will never fill

Final facts –

They may never know what causes this or how to prevent it. Through this, my husband and I have learned how precious and fragile life is. We have learned that, even when each of us is being hard to live with, we ‘punch’ and hug at the same time, knowing we have each other through the best and worst life has to offer. Love is stronger than hurt. Love is all.

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