JustCuteAnimals.com
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.And this story takes more than 2 lines:
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something
with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”
* thanks to the forward from my friend, Marsha Koenig
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
I am still walking around limping today from catching my toe on the corner of our bed in the middle of the night two nights ago – still feeling stupid. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes, but I KNOW where the bed is. It has been in the same place for over 30 years now. I KNOW it’s made of solid wood. My husband and I built the base for the bed years ago. I KNOW that confronting furniture with body parts is not a good thing to do. And yet here I am.
I’m still wearing slippers because I can’t wear a shoe. I’m limping around like a person twice my age – and that’s saying a LOT when you consider my “maturity.”
It would be NICE if I could simply pay better attention – even though it was the middle of the night and I was practically sleep-walking – rather than learning yet another lesson in such a painful way.
I’m glad that if I hurt myself, at least I didn’t do anything that required a trip to the emergency room. If I actually broke my toe, they would simply tape my little toe to the next one and call it done. I’m keeping it elevated as much as possible and am taking it easy otherwise.
I promise I will do something ELSE stupid next time…
Filed under Challenges, Funny Signs - Humor, taking care of yourself
BBC
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
*Thanks to Bored Panda
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
My good friend Marsha Koenig sent me an email that made me laugh so many times I lost count. What a treasure these days! I had to share it with you –
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 102.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
— Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10
6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9
8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is…….
9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
This was sent to me by my good friend, Marsha. I smiled all the way through and just had to share these –
1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Filed under Childlike Fun, Family
Sad and Useless
Sad and Useless
Sad and Useless
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
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