GrammarlyCards via Cathy Ruggiero
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe
The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand
A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves
The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
*This was forwarded to me by my good friend, Marsha Koenig. (She got them from her brother.) She takes no credit for the ‘language,’ – nor do I – not sure about her brother. :0)
A Panel of Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lock down?
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the idea.
Anesthetists thought the whole concept was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
What did the ranch say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Dreamstime.com
What did the hamburger name it’s baby? Patty!
One lung said to another, “we be-lung together!”
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!
My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!
My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she’s just being clothes-minded!
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
I’m no cheetah, you’re lion!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Amazing Creatures
Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!
What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math… it’s easy as pi!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!
Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.
My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
I made a pun about the wind but it blows.
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
From the Grapevine
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Can February March? No, but April May.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
*Parade
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
How Stuff Works
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
I’m not a doctor but I’m losing my patience.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
AskIdeas.com
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
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