*This was forwarded to me by my good friend, Marsha Koenig. (She got them from her brother.) She takes no credit for the ‘language,’ – nor do I – not sure about her brother. :0)
A Panel of Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lock down?
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the idea.
Anesthetists thought the whole concept was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
What did the ranch say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you call a girl with one leg that’s shorter than the other? Ilene.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
What’s America’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Amazing Creatures
Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!
What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math… it’s easy as pi!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though – he woke up!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!
Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
From the Grapevine
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Can February March? No, but April May.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.
*Parade
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
How Stuff Works
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
I’m not a doctor but I’m losing my patience.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
JustCuteAnimals.com
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.And this story takes more than 2 lines:
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something
with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”
* thanks to the forward from my friend, Marsha Koenig
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor
Andrea Piacquadio
My friend, Marsha, sent me puns this morning. I’m still grinning –
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye – doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey – maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber – band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
BBC
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
*Thanks to Bored Panda
Filed under Funny Signs - Humor, punny
creativeartworksblog 