I MAY be finally old enough to accept this.
My parents were both only children. They had my brother and me so we “could keep each other company,” but then unconsciously fostered intense competition and rivalry between us. The end result was that we were never close, and got the strong idea that our worth depended on what we had accomplished lately and how that compared to each other. We both knew they loved us. That was never a question. But the competition lasted throughout our lives.
My parents wanted us to do well in school. This meant ‘grades’ to them. I learned to value what I had actually LEARNED and the fact that I knew how to learn more throughout my life, but I guess that was the easiest way to measure how we were doing THEN. My brother brought home almost straight A’s throughout his schooling. I brought home a “C” in math one quarter. There was a distinct coldness and withdrawal of affection until the next grading period (9 weeks) when I was able to bring my grade up. When I went to college, earning enough for my first semester each year teaching swimming during the summers from the time I was 14 through the end of college, by brother got a full scholarship to the University of Colorado and was a Rhodes scholarship finalist. He ended up with a doctorate, of course. :0)
I have always felt that my worth depended on what good I had done lately, rather than any idea that I was ‘enough’ just as I was. I was eager to please my parents, and that meant grades, honors, accomplishments. I was eager to please my husband, too, and wasn’t happy unless he was noticing what I was doing. The only area where I dropped the self-doubt was when I was teaching.
I taught in the public schools on the north side of Tulsa OK for eight years. I fell in love with my students. Since my kids there lived pretty tough lives, totally different that I had enjoyed, they didn’t see the need to learn to read or do math, or write, or think. I had to get really ‘creative’ to come up with ways to show them why they would be happier, stronger, and more in control of their lives if they would give me a chance to work with them. Every day I forgot who I was, immersed in trying to take them from where they were, give them what they needed to move forward, and listen to their concerns. I never felt I was ‘enough,’ but I felt good about what I did.
Now that I’m older than dirt, I realize that each person brings a package to the table. Each of us has a different set of skills, hopes, dreams. And each of us is valuable because of it. THAT is enough.
“You are enough just as you are.”
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