I spent much of yesterday in quiet contemplation of what kind of person our dear Jade might have become.
I didn’t do child bearing well. My husband and I married in 1969. We waited for a couple of years to try to have children until both of us had steady jobs and we had purchased a home. I lost two babies before we finally had our son Brian in 1978. (RH negative negative for me and positive for our babies was the main problem). We lost another baby after Brian and finally had our beautiful daughter, Jade. Our family was complete. My husband decided to have a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have to carry the burden of birth control – though that was a bit ironic with our history.
I came home from a community college night class to see all the lights on in my home and my in-laws’ car in the driveway. When I entered the house my in-laws stood up and said, “She’s gone.” In a panic I ran all over the house, not only not finding Jade, but all of her things were gone. The Lewises had decided that while waiting for me, they would gather up her stuff so I wouldn’t have to. My husband was gone, too. He had been taken to the police station because Jade had died under his care.
While we sat in silence, our then 2-year-old son Brian came out dragging Jade’s blanket. He had been crying and his sweet eyes were swollen. He walked to the trash can and threw the blanket in, saying, “Broken.” My husband returned home. The coroner had determined she died of SIDS. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.) He simply crumpled when he came to me, buried his face in my lap and sobbed.
We both seriously contemplated suicide the pain was so great. Finally, we realized that we had others to think of. We talked and decided we would live for each other, help each other through this, and raise Brian with all the love we had. I learned that night that nothing could ever hurt me like that again.
I got to share two months with her. Each year I sit and think of her particularly on February 5th, the day she left us. Some people said it was God’s Will. I didn’t accept that then and still don’t. I just can’t. What I do believe is that we will meet again some day, recognize each other, and spend eternity together.
I hope that the experts will one day solve the mystery of what causes SIDS and what, if anything, can be done to prevent it, so that others won’t have to go through this. I’m thankful that it caused us to be stronger as a family, to cherish Brian even more, and actually be able to find joy in life again.
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