Category Archives: Funny Signs – Humor

Any Time You Can

Max Eastman via sayingimages.com

“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” ~ Hugh Sidey

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” ~ Mark Twain

I don’t know why, but I’m thinking of my dad today.

Part of his life was hard. He fell off a horse when he was three and busted his arm in three places. Back then, the doctors did the best they could, but his left arm was much shorter than his right, curved, and his hand almost useless. He was teased about it in school. He felt bad because they wouldn’t accept him to serve in the military because of it. He learned to use humor as a way to break through people’s initial reaction to his arm. In fact, there were whole patches of time I would forget that others might consider him ‘handicapped.’ He learned to use his humor and wit to make his living- carving out a space writing radio advertising spots. He billed himself as the second worst radio voice in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He went from barely making a living to never having to look for clients again, winning Addy awards – plus a silver one for “Lifetime Achievement.”

He couldn’t control his alcohol consumption and smoked heavily, ending up an alcoholic with emphysema. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous. He learned to carry an oxygen tank.vHe still kept his sense of humor, drawing cartoon drawings of himself, making others laugh. He taught my brother and me to appreciate humor – puns, jokes of all sorts, funny stories, funny situations, sarcasm, and to practice the ability to stand back and look at things, trying to see the funny side. This has been a lifesaver for me.

When he died, he wrote on a scrap of paper, “Remember me laughing.” And I do. I remember him telling stories, laughing so helplessly he could hardly finish. He and the lucky people listening would all be exhausted when he finished – stomachs hurting from laughing, cheeks hurting from smiling so hard – at the stories, but also enjoying the joy we all experienced as he told them.

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~ Charlie Chaplin

“I have always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is and will last until the day when the game is called on account of darkness. In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can.” ~ Linda Ellerbee

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Sorry –

World Arts Me

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Exercise

Best 45 Very Funny Minions Quotes

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Joke

HDWPro

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I Love Sarcasm

jokequote.com

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Awesome!

Purple Clover via Cindy Basnett Thurman

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I’m Clever

Oscar Wilde-BrainyQuote

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Question

Mazzastick

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Fun with English

I love puns and plays on words. It’s a very special form of humor. I don’t know if this is done with other languages or not, but I sure enjoy what people do, playing with ours.

The source of the following “Books” is

I Am Not A Grammar Cope. I Am an English Language Enthusiast

It was posted on Facebook by my friend, Michael Remillard

____________________

 

I Am Not a Grammar Cop. I Am An English-language Enthusiast via Michael Remillard

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Truth

Pixabay

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Being An Adult

Lisa Bearnes Richey

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Never

Golfian.com

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Lexophiles Love Puns- Take 3

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

… He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And finally:
… Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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Lexophiles Love Puns – Take 2

… A boiled egg is hard to beat.

… When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

… Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

… Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

… A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

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Medical Exams – Take 3

 

Medical Exams – Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

 

“I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ “It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ ” Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

“A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'”  Submitted by RN no name

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Lexophiles Love Puns – Take 1

cdn.smosh.com

“Lexophiles describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”  A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submissions are listed below, so laugh, smile, or go hysterical….but have a good day…….Enjoy!! . … A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.”

 

… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

… The batteries were given out free of charge.

… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

… A will is a dead giveaway.

… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

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Medical Exams – Take 2

Car Wreck Doctor

 

MEDICAL EXAMS Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch… The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include: “Please remove the old patch before applying a new one.”  Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered .’ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson – Corvallis, OR

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Medical Exams – Take 1

White Background

MEDICAL EXAMS Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

 

“Man comes into the ER and yells . . .’My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong one.” ~ Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’. . I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. ..replied the patient. ” ~ Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

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“Getting old ain’t for sissies.” – Take 1

Suggest.com

“Getting old ain’t for sissies” ~ Bette Davis

Getting old sucks. There’s no getting around it.  The list of ‘what-you-can’t-do-anymore’ continues to grow as does the list of ‘what-you-can’t-eat-anymore.’  Your body goes on strike, yelling at you from one area or another. You move more slowly – and many times, stiffly – as you move through your day. Your memory begins to fail. But every once in awhile – if you can stand back and pretend you’re watching a MOVIE of an old person – you can laugh at yourself.

I did that this morning. My husband and I get up each morning groggily wandering through our list of what we need to do to get the day started, doing things out of habit, rather than having to think right after awaking. One of the things I do is wash my hair in the kitchen sink after my group of things is done and we’ve eaten breakfast. I take off my watch and put it on the counter beside the coffee thermos and my waiting coffee cup.

I had just finished washing my hair and was walking while drying it with a towel on the way to the hair dryer in the bathroom when Amber was clamoring around, wanting to go back outside – after just coming in again – and was doing her best to herd me toward the garage door. I managed to NOT fold up like a tent when our sweet 91-pound ‘puppy’ hit me in the exact right spot behind my knees that has brought me down many times.  I managed to get a gate between us. When I saw the pile of clothes and towels on the utility room floor, it reminded me that I was planning to do several loads of laundry this morning. I stopped and started a load and then dried my hair in the bathroom.

When I went back to the kitchen to pour myself some coffee, my watch wasn’t there!  I walked around, checking all the surfaces in the kitchen, on the divider between the kitchen and the dining area, the dining table, the bathroom counter, but no watch! I checked everything again – KNOWING it HAD to be SOMEWHERE, but it wasn’t.

I looked at the washer and thought, “Oh, no!” I must have scooped it up with the first load of laundry… I paused the machine, stuck both hands in and felt around in the soupy combination of clothes and soapy water. I even turned the bin several times and felt all around again. NO WATCH.

I had decided that ‘it must have been eaten by snakes” (something that happens around here all too often) and prepared to tell my husband that we needed to add getting a new watch for me onto today’s errands list. I steadied myself to look down at the clothes remaining on the floor and put my HAND on my WATCH on top of the washer!

The mystery is solved, but I guess I’ll make good use of ‘standing-back-and-watching-myself’ more and more over the coming years. I really need a good laugh now and then…

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You Can’t Cure ‘Stupid’ – Take 3

iStock-CBSNews

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

via Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

 

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew this, and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat, and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

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You Can’t Cure ‘Stupid’ – Take 2

iStock-CBSNews

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

via Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

 

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom, and ours was significantly smaller.”

 

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You Can’t Cure ‘Stupid’ – Take 1

iStock-CBSNews

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

via Doug Powell via Marsha Koenig

 

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband, who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park, but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

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Great Sign Ideas – Take 3

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

_____

At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

_____

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

_____

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

 

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Great Sign Ideas – Take 3

cdn.womensunitedonline.com

 

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

_____

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

_____

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

_____

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

_____

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

_____

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

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Great Sign Ideas – Take 2

Plumbing Zone

On a Plumber’s truck :

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

______

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

_____

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

_____

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.”

_____

In a Non-smoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

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Great Sign Ideas – Take 1

random.openminds.be

Other great ideas:

  • Gas Station: Eat here and get gas!
  • In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
  • On a Septic Tank Truck:  “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”
  • At an Optometrist’s Office:  “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

 

 

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Shallow Thoughts for the Day

quote of the day

 

* I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my thirty page insurance policy
that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

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Shallow Thoughts for the Day – Take 1

quote of the day

* Nothing ticks you off more than that moment during an argument
when you realize you’re wrong.

* There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

* I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

* How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just
nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

 

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Stupid Quotes – Take 5

 

“Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.”
– Mickey Rivers, baseball player

“Solutions are not the answer.”
– Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

“Permitted vehicles not allowed.”
– Road sign on US 27

“SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt – prepare for accident.”
– Sign on backseat of Taxi

“If  history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
– Terry Venables

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Stupid Quotes – Take 4

 

“Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old.”
– Herb Score, Sportscaster

“We’re going to move left and right at the same time.”
– Jerry Brown, Governor of California

“I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad.”
– Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
– Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

“The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas.”
– Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster

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Stupid Quotes – Take 3

 

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”
– Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

“It is white.”
– George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
– George Gobel

“I cannot tell you how grateful I am — I am filled with humidity.”
– Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

“Does the album have any songs you like that aren’t on it?
– Harry News, music reviewer

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