This is my brother, Chris, on the left, and one of his sons, Eliot, on the right.
I always wanted a large family with brothers and sisters who loved and supported each other with a bond that was never-ending. My parents were both only children and when they had my brother, and then me, 4 years later, that was plenty in their eyes.
Inadvertently, my parents created a situation where my brother and I were in competition. It was difficult because he always was better in every way than I.
- In grade school, he brought home all A’s consistently while I brought home mostly A’s and B’s. In one 9-week grading period I brought home a ‘C’ in math, my most dreaded subject. My parents sort of ‘withdrew’ from me, saying the C was not acceptable, and were distant from me for 9 weeks until the next grade card showed a ‘B.”
- In junior high and high school, my brother continued bringing home all A’s, plus played baseball and won some swimming contests. I played the guitar and sang for a folk music show and taught swimming every summer from when I was 14 until I finished college. I was also a life guard at the local swimming club.
- In college, my brother got a scholarship to the University of Denver, eventually earning a Doctorate (Dr. Wheaton) while I worked at a local diner off campus at Oklahoma State University, eventually earning a Master’s Degree as a Reading Specialist.
- My brother decided he didn’t want to teach, so he got a job as a VP in a firm who provided insurance agents to help in disasters. He was in the advertising department. I got a teaching degree and taught in the public schools in Tulsa for 8 years, then ran my own reading clinic, teaching kindergarten through adults for 3 years.
For some reason I will never know, when I was in college, my mother decided to share with me that my brother described me as, “Not worth knowing.” That summation of my worth hurt beyond description, devastating me for quite a while, but eventually giving me a great gift –
What did I learn from my brother?
- “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are,” attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, emphasizing resourcefulness, action, and making the most of your current situation to build momentum and achieve goals, rather than waiting for ideal circumstances.
- I learned to simply keep my head down and be who I am and not judge my “worth” by other people’s opinions or standards. I do the best I can do at any given time and that is enough.
- I learned that my parents are human, as are we all. They didn’t mean to create a situation where my brother and I competed and I felt failure and loss of love due to the results of the “contest.” What they wanted to create was an atmosphere where we met whatever standards were set and surpassed expectations when possible. They wanted us to succeed, feel the joy of a job well done, of achievement. They wanted us to set high goals, meet them, and then set others.
- I learned that my brother wasn’t perfect, and that relationships either develop and thrive or they don’t. His opinion actually made me set goals for myself to try to prove him wrong. That didn’t happen, but I learned it didn’t NEED to happen.
- I am more independent, self-directed, and loving toward the people I care about than I probably would have been otherwise.
- I am never bored. I always have more to do than time or energy to do them.
Especially now, when my parents and my brother are gone, I can concentrate on happy memories – like when my brother and I won the men’s division and women’s division respectively in ping pong at my parent’s swimming club several years running. I thank him for making me strong enough to face whatever life throws at me, changing what I can and adapting when I need to, even thriving when life throws yet another curve ball.
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