Wordplay

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.
I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him, that’s the last thing I need.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.
We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.
Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.   Oh how the stables have turned.

Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big McSteak.

And this story takes more than 2 lines:
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something
with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.”
“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”